Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My Theory on Mark Sanford's "Disappearance"

(Andy Warhol: Before and After)

He skipped town for plastic surgery, obvs! Why hasn't anybody guessed this yet?

Sanford is a vain guy; all you have to do is look at pictures of him to tell that, like his compatriot, John Boener, he's got a serious Tanorexia problem.

He thought he'd be sneaky about it, and swore everyone to secrecy, and then went to Atlanta and got "some work done." Unfortunately, everybody noticed he was gone and freaked out, so he's not going to be able to stealthily sneak back. Now he'll have to give a press conference or something when he supposedly gets back tomorrow... or will he? Will he be willing to expose himself to HD cameras so soon?

This is all guessing, of course, but have you heard a better theory?

UPDATE: Argentina, not Atlanta! And from Talking Points Memo:

It's worth noting that Globetrotting guv Mark Sanford seems to have gone to some lengths to avoid reporters upon his return.

I'm sticking with my hypothesis!

UPDATE: Ha, um, exit Mark Sanford. It was sex, not Botox.


pat1755 said...

I don't think scars fade that quickly, do they?

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for the hidden boytoy.

Christopher said...

Nothing like a family-values conservative to skip town over Father's Day for some plastic surgery! (Although, who knows? Maybe it was a gift from the kids!)

Anonymous said...

Why are we assuming that the "work" would be on his face? Wait, don't answer that.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Please, he's not been away getting surgery, he's been off getting his freak on in Hotlanta with some underage male hooker(s).

karen marie said...

no, he wasn't in atlanta. my understanding, the vehicle he drove off in was found at the atlanta airport and a state police (i think it was) saw him boarding a plane.

maybe he flew to mexico for some discount plastic surgery.

gleeindc said...

Perhaps he took a cue from an old Patsy Stone line in AB FAB:
"Emergency Liposuction."
Unless he has a nude appearance scheduled (which I doubt), it is just a slight alteration from the "zips up the back, no bones" line:
scars under clothes, no photos.

Whatevs said...

Wow...he jetted off too ARGENTINA to recuperate from his battles with South Carolina lawmakers over how to spend the stimulus money.

I wish I could afford to take a last minute trip to a foreign nation when times get tough for me. Why didn't he just take a long nap on his couch like the rest of us poor folks?

What temerity! This man spoke out against the stimulus package because he deemed it to be wasteful, yet he wastes taxpayer money to go to ARGENTINA?! What a terrible thing for a governor of a state that has such high poverty rates.

I cannot wait to see how the flapping jaws spin this one!

BTW -- I love your blog SparklePony. I have been reading it for years. I am usually a "silent reader (this is my first time commenting)," but this story has really made me angry and I had to say something.

karen marie said...

It must be nice having no responsibilities that interfere with a last-minute trip to Argentina.

It must be especially nice to have the SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS it costs to fly round trip to Argentina on the spur of the moment.

I suppose his family should be grateful he didn't go to Bangkok.

Matty Boy said...

In the immortal words of PonyPal blogenfreude...

It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

It was nice of him to go to Argentina, if only to give us a chance to conjecture about hot gauchos on the pampas.

blogenfreude said...

Tummy tuck? Schlong enhancement? Varicose veins? The bible-thumpin', Bush-votin', snake-handlin' citizens of South Carolina want to know!

desertwind said...

Oh, Princess... Argentina!

Argentina + plastic surgery.

You were so hot on the trail.

Princess Sparkle Pony said...

Whatevs, well done. You are always welcome.

desertwind said...

Hmmmm.... it takes two to tango down Argentine way.


Karen Zipdrive said...

According to ABC News:
He flew to Argentina to screw his girlfriend. Today he admitted the affair and promptly quit.
What's with Republicans and their frisky penises?

okojo said...

Well If I lived in South Carolina with its Calabash fried sea food, I would lusting after Portenas and Carlos Gardel too.

Oh man, this is too hilarious..

Sparkle Pony, I think you owe your speculative genius an apology. However you tend to guess right most of the time.

Anonymous said...

South Carolina is about to get its first (not openly) gay Governor!

T D Coleman said...

(I am the artist formerly know as Whatevs)

First, thanks SP.

Looks like I got all indignant over nothing! At least this is one more Republican whose career is ovah! I feared that he would have posed a serious threat to Obama in 2012 (white, male, reasonably young, "fashionably attractive," conservative).

Now, if only someone would expose that Lindsay Graham. That would be the highlight of my year!

Karen Zipdrive said...

Guess what? Polito.com is about to break the story that Markie-poo used public funds to buy his trip to Argentina.

Kevin said...

I have not seen keyboard cat play Mark Sanford off yet. What is wrong with you people! Get to work!!