Tuesday, May 26, 2009

John Edwards Left Richard Cohen Alone with His Wife Once

There are three kinds of Richard Cohen columns: the merely stupid, the boring and stupid, and the bizarre and stupid. This week, whoah, it's the third kind. Wow.

You see, Richard just can't get Elizabeth Edwards out of his head. She's everywhere! And it makes him feel icky! And he can't escape:

I don't want Elizabeth Edwards in my life. Yet I cannot avoid her. She shadows me. Her cherubic visage is on every passing television screen. I have been spending time of late in hospitals visiting a loved one. Elizabeth Edwards is on in every room I pass. She's on in the waiting area, in the reception area -- for all I know, she is on in the operating room.

Goodness! Pretty soon she'll be showing up on his coins, his driver's license, etc., just like in Philip K. Dick's Ubik! This situation is obviously sending him into one of those psychotic episodes where he stands in front of the mirror and yells at himself:

What effect will it have on me? [...] Wait! Can I pass judgment on her? She's got cancer, for crying out loud. Her husband cheated on her while he was running for president. Just once, he told her. A one-night stand, he told her. When her cancer was in remission, he told her. Does that make it okay? Does it make it less bad? Does it make it any of my business?

Oh dear. Why must Elizabeth Edwards torment him so? More importantly, is there an insidery, personal anecdote Cohen can add to this? Of course there is. There must be:

I know John and Elizabeth Edwards -- not well, just a bit. I've been to their house -- the old house, the one in Washington. I had breakfast with them. I found her smart, likable. I never knew what to make of him. A three-dollar bill, I always suspected. She drove me to where I could get a cab. We talked. What about? Can't remember. Now this. What to think?

Are you imagining Richard sitting in the passenger seat, sweat pouring down his forehead as he shifts uncomfortably, crossing and uncrossing his legs, wondering if he should make a move on Elizabeth? Like he did, successfully, with Peter Jenning's wife that one time? Yeah, me too. Ew.

Luckily, he then splashes a cold bucket of Octomom on that little fantasy. No, really.

WTF? This is Cohen attempting to be funny, or satirical, or something. For the first time, I'm actually worried about him.

But this, too, shall pass.


Anonymous said...

PSP -- Maybe the poor fellow is simply going off his mind ... after all the future is not at all rosy for MSM "commenters."

g said...

I'm surprised its Elizabeth Edwards he's seeing on every TV. For me, it's always Dick or Liz Cheney.

l.e.s.ter said...

A three-dollar bill? Does that mean he always suspected Edwards was a hairdresser?

Karen Zipdrive said...

A three-dollar bill is definitely a hairdresser.
Ha! I guess John Edwards fooled him. He's a metrosexual!
I still can't believe this nebbish has a column. He writes like Heloise, without the handy household tips.

dguzman said...

Shouldn't his fellow staffers have some kind of intervention for him? He's obviously more delusional than ever.

Alex said...

Nice shot :-). Alex

Anonymous said...

I was hoping Richard Cohen's insidery, personal anecdote would be about nailing Peter Jenning's wife. Oh. wait. On second thought I'm glad he didn't.

Why does the Post waste ink on this idiot?

Anonymous said...

There's a name for this condition, right? There's a drug for this, right? Because he needs to see a professional at least to get the meds. He may also want to do some "talk therapy".

How do I get paid what he gets paid and have the freedom to stop my playacting at normal and sane like I do at my current job? Thanks for the career guidance, PSP!!!

Bartman said...

He got the three-dollar bill tip from Dowd. Edwards failed to hit on her once.

Anonymous said...

Hey, please don't knock Heloise! She's great!

Karen Zipdrive said...

Heloise is a nice person who lives in the same city as me, but a biting op-ed columnist she ain't.
But give her a wad of mylon net and a bottle of white vinegar and she's a freakin' dynamo.

Ann G said...

Yes, sparklepony, you're absolutely right on. I can't believe this creep has a COLUMN in an influential newspaper and wastes space on this drivel! It's insulting on so many levels. Thanks for calling him out! Inanity, thy name is Cohen! My apologies for all the other great Cohens out there, such as Leonard.

karen marie said...

is he as sick of liz cheney as i am?

Matty Boy said...

Think about poor Elizabeth Edwards in all of this. When she was driving Cohen to the place where he could get a cab, it must have been running through her mind... "OMG! He's going to write about this in his column some day. What's he thinking? On second thought, I really don't want to know."

And neither does anyone else, apparently.