Thursday, July 20, 2006

The History of Ursula Plassnik's Scarves, Part V

I'm going to tell you a funny Ursula Plassnik scarf story, OK? OK, so one day the affable giantess had one of those thingies to go to, you know, one of those award or grant or conference deals. So Ursula thinks, naturally, "OMG, this is like totally in public so I should have an extra-mighty scarf." (Except she said all this to herself in Austrian, which sounds like English with all the pretty words taken out but you can't understand it.)

Ursula selects a dazzling number to throw around her neck, a peculiar floral affair with seemingly random garlands and fruits rendered in an old-fashioned botanical illustration style. All was well, and everybody at the affair was suitably dazzled by the impressive accessory, but then she arrived, Ursula's nemesis, and made a bold play for the towering diplomatrix' chosen prey,Indonesian Foreign Minister Hassan Wirajuda. Well, see for yourself:

Both photos: AP/Hans Punz

It was wiley Paula Lehtomaeki, Finland's Minister of Foreign Trade and Development, mockingly clad in a larger, brighter, scarlet scarf, a direct affront to Ursula's recognised status as Queen of Diplomatic Ornamental Neckwear. Can't you feel the seething tension roiling beneath the skins of these mighty players in this cosmic battle of the Diplotitans? And was the mighty Plassnik going to let the treacherous Finn just up and grab her chosen one? Oh, no:

"I think you're close enough," hissed the enraged blond superbeing, "Let's go powder our noses in the girls' room, shall we?"

And that Minister of Foreign Trade and Development from Finland was never seen again.*

*OK, that's totally not true, but I couldn't come up with a better ending.


Karen Zipdrive said...

That squatty little Finnish upstart has some gall.
She's finnish, all right.

Adam Jacobi said...

If you find Lehtomaeki hung from a blocky scarf, it won't be suicide. It'll be...


sfmike said...

Well, that scarf WAS way too short for Miz Ursula. I hope the giantess learned her fashion lesson.

And I like your totally not true ending.

Adam said...

Oh puh-lease! Ursula feel threatened in her unchallanged mastery of neck-draping accessories? Hardly!

More likely, she feared that foreign diplomacy was in jeopardy when this Finnish chick tried to get at Indonesian guy (who, by the way, looks like the child of Guy Smiley, the muppet game show host on Sesame Street, and Moms Mabley, gummy Afro-American comic of the 60's and 70's). The Finnish and the Hungarians are the only two European peoples whose languages aren't in the Indo-European family, so Ursula might have feared indecipherable collusion from start to Finnish.

Ultimately, this sort of does boil down to "What I learned in kindergarten," since the two women obviously have accessorized in each other's size, rather than their own, and the Finnish lady made her scarf with a Spirograph. Her hair also looks like a poorly-situated wig in the first image. The end.

Lulu Maude said...

Wow! You may be onto something there, Adam... what if they had simply gone into a hands-across-the-sea mode and exchanged scarves!? A win-win solution! Our world cries out for gestures such as these!

Gotta go... my throat has become inexpliably tight.

samael7 said...

Adam totally took my Spirograph line about that pale Finnish lady's scarf. *pout*

However, I think he's right. I think it must have been Ursula's, because white with red Spirographing is really, really not good for her complexion. Ursula should totally take the little Finnish pixie to her next poolside trip and get some color on that woman's face. She'll need to plan around Space Shuttle launches though, since I think the pixie might reflect enough light to be seen in orbit.

For some reason, the mini-scarf that Ursula has reminds me of the Genesis Tresspass album cover...

Carmen Sutra said...

Puh-leaz. Ursula wouldn't be caught dead wearing Sprirograph.

PSP, I hope you're ending is true. Serves that conniving little bitch right! I believe it was Homer who said "Beware of Finns bearing accessories!"

Oh - and Adam - one more pun like that and we'll hang a 7 foot Hermes around your neck and leave you out for Ursula to find.

Dave said...

Whoa. Paula is kinda cute--in a cornfed kinda way. But that and her scarf can't quite compete with Ursula's Camel Toe... Just sayin'.

Adam Jacobi said...

Oh sweet Jesus, dave, that really is Ursula's camel toe.

I might need to rub one out.

Anonymous said...

all comments LOL

Karl said...

I'm with the "they should have traded scarfs" school. I imagine a scene like the ending of Jim Jarmusch's "Down by Law":

Guy 'A' makes vicious disparaging comments about guy 'B's newly-acquired jacket.
Guy 'B' makes vicious disparaging comments about guy 'A's newly-acquired jacket.
Guy 'A' says "Um, you wanna..." (makes back & forth gesture with his finger).
Guy 'B' immediately says "Yeah, sure."
They trade jackets.

dusty said...

All I am gonna say is that Ursula's scarf is too damn looks like a damn dish towel tossed around her Scandinavian neck.

But I do love your ending PSP.

Tzipora said...

Err, dusty, Ursula's 'Scandinavian' neck?