Thursday, June 28, 2007

Thin-Skinned Christians Now Upset About Chewing Gum

Sometimes I feel sorry for the Christians, because it must be hard to be so constantly offended, so continuously assaulted by heathen images, occult jewelry, and gender-blurring Teletubbies. Every time they leave their homes they are attacked by wanton gimcrackery, and inside their homes? There it's even scarier as the devil's ejaculate (television) conspires to make things unbearable:

In a far cry from the old "Doublemint Twins" ads, Wrigley is now airing a television ad for Eclipse "Fusion" gum featuring two females who appear to express a romantic interest in each other after one of them tries the gum. The ad has offended conservatives and prompted at least one Christian media watchdog group to action.

The furor over the commercial has resulted in the American Decency Association urging Christians not to buy Fusion or any other Wrigley's product. ADA president Bill Johnson says the ad shows that the company is more concerned about appealing to the homosexual community than it is offending millions of Bible-believing Christians.

"It has strong sexual allusions and ultimately leads to a clear picture that is demonstrating lesbianism," contends the family advocate.

Johnson says when Wrigley chooses to use what he describes as "blatant advertisement lifting up lesbianism" that goes "so strongly against the standard of God," it is sending a clear message to believers that their business is really no longer desired.

"We desire to pursue holiness," he says, "and that includes the choices in how we spend our money."

Johnson recommends that Christians stop buying Wrigley's products and contact company president and CEO William Perez to lodge a complaint over the Fusion commercial.

I don't know about you, but I'm tremendously relieved to know that the American Decency Association is there to help avert the menace of lesbo chewing gum.


Civic Center said...

At first I was in some sympathy with the American Decency Association since "Eclitse" did seem to be taking niche marketing just a bit far, and then realized I had been fooled once again by the genius that is Princess Sparkle Pony. You need a new category, "Ruthlessly Photoshopped."

Matthew Hubbard said...

Actually, I've seen the ad, and I agree with the crazy people. There's some girl-on-girl sexual tension in this ad. Of course, it starts with the hot, predatory girl hitting on the other girl's boyfriend. My take on it is that hot predatory girl will have sex with anyone pretty, kind of like Prince without a penis.

I see it an invitation to a threesome, and as a heterosexual male, I can speak with confidence for my gender and persuasion that boy-girl-girl threesomes do NOT promote lesbianism! They promote idiot male fantasies! YAY!

word verification: smenita

Anonymous said...

See the ad:

Can't embed it, so here's a link.

It's not so bad. Personally I thought kissing that guy to get the melon out of his mouth is more offensive than the looks exchanged with the girl. I think they're setting us up for disappointment if we try the product though. It is gum we're talking about, not ecstasy or some other recreational drug.

Diane Griffin said...

The point of the commercial (thanks randyh) is that if you chew this brand of ruminate, you will be awesome, no one will be able to resist you. That is so fricken' original.

As for the sinfulness; wOOt!!!

my confirmation word today was nÿlp, which is the usual thing, with a new twist I kinda liked.

Jess Wundrun said...

I didn't think you could chew gum and breathe through your mouth anyway.

Wrigley shareholders: you're safe.

HRH King Friday XIII, Ret. said...

It's a slippery slope, Princess! Slippery!

For starters I hear the Doublemint Twins plan to one-up Eclipse by finger baning each other on Leno.

And Imes Cat Food is launching a beastiality campaign.

IntangibleArts said...

Sounds like the Christians of America are long overdue for a little hot gum-on-gum action. C'mon, I mean, wasn't God a lesbian or something?

wassonii said...

the eclitse, precursor to the amazon of ancient myth.
damn sappho for taking melon for her gum:)

Anonymous said...



Anonymous said...

I too am amused by the fact that they have no problem with the obvious leading into sin of adultery. Clearly they are giving up the fight against adultery and pre-marital sex, thus debasing themselves int he eyes of the LORD!

Anonymous said...

gimme some o' that gum!

Sister Nancy Beth Eczema said...

I didn't know lesbians even used chewing gum. I thought they freshened their breath by gnawing on cedar branches or something similarly outdoorsy.

Anonymous said...

As an indoorsy lesbian, I freshen my breath by gnawing on the dewy freshness of snarky straight girls.

Anonymous said...

I think that commercial actually made me think about buying that stinky-sounding gum.

---------->>>>>That's big Spla-choo points for ya.

Anonymous said...

There is only one possible explanation: Bill Johnson is a closet homosexual, like most social conservatives are. Any guy who would complain about lesbian innuendo in a commercial is obviously gay (not that there is anything inherently wrong with being gay), and Bill Johnson is gayer than Ted Haggard and Larry Craig combined!