Thursday, May 23, 2013

Amy's Baking Company: A Modest Proposal

Has everybody else been enjoying the ongoing saga of Amy's Baking Company, the otherwise unimportant restaurant which blew up the internet last week, what with the Twitters, the Facebooks, the Yelps, and whatnot? I don't know why I find the whole thing so terribly entertaining. Is it partly because it's an Arizona story?

Anyway, after their brutal encounter with the Steisand Effect, the bistro is trying to clean up its act and save itself. They'll try to not steal so much from their staff, to serve decent, edible pizzas, to not hurl obscenities at their customers, etc.

But here's the thing: I think they should do the exact opposite!

See, it's never going to be any great shakes as a restaurant. It's just one of those cutesy places that inevitably pops up across the street from a movie theater. Even calling it a "restaurant" is a bit of a misnomer; it's more of a "food vendor" than anything.

So why not play up their bad reputation? They should immediately alter the name to be "Crazy Amy's Baking Company" and turn it into a theme restaurant. So not only should they not try to be nice to their customers, they should promise to be horrible.  It's not unprecedented; after all, the awful frat boy chain Dick's Last Resort takes pride in its rude service. Amy's should take a similar path. After all, the only reason to go there right now is in the hope that the owners will freak out and pop off, so why not give the people what they want?

It wouldn't be that hard: Amy and Sammy should stage several screaming arguments each night to amuse their patrons. They could play amplified tapes of more arguments and crashing pans, etc., from the kitchen. They could stagger the staff's hours so that each employee's shift ends with a tearful "firing" by a manic Amy in full view of the dining room. They'd never again have to worry about the "quality" of the food*. It could be like "Bad Restaurant Theater."

It would be such a huge hit.

*In fact, they could do away with the food altogether: after 90 minutes, Amy or Sammy approach the customer and ask if they've gotten their meals. When the customer replies, "No," the owners would fly into a rage, scream, "Oh, I suppose you're going to BASH US ON YELP now!" and then kick them out (obviously, this would require an up-front cover charge. Details, details.). 


nixiebunny said...

As a fellow Tucsonian, I enjoy this story because... Scottsdale.

Aunt Snow said...

Ow, my eyes hurt.

Anonymous said...

She has the same crazy eyes as Callista!