Wednesday, September 29, 2010

New Trampy Monster Dolls Combine Horror With Eating Disorders, Shopping

Despite my best efforts, the most popular posts on this blog, to this day, are those concerning Struts Runway Magic, the inappropriately sexy toy fashion whorses™ which delightfully integrated body dysmorphia with consumerism and beastiality. Those toys ended up failing, much to my relief, but they'll apparently live on forever as a cautionary tale on the web.

Not cautionary enough, though, because now look at what Mattel has introduced to the young girls of America: Monster High, a line of stick-thin, shopaholic girls representing the fashionably cursed and injured. Indeed, death becomes them, from their full, pouty lips to their bandages and scars.

Look, I don't think I really need to get too deep into this, but these monstrosities (see what I did there?) make Barbie look positively chunky in comparison, and the conflation of sexual aggressiveness* and death is just a bit too much for me. Bratz are prudish and down-to-earth next to these disturbing hunks of gussied-up acrylonitrile butadiene styrene.

And unlike the failed erotic ponies, they're set to be one of the "hottest" toys of the year. Yay!

The logo is a cute skull with mascara and a pink bow, and the dolls are recommended for ages 6 and up.

*The teen Medusa is no doubt forever turning boys in the hallways rock hard.


Matty Boy said...

I teach at the college level and I have no young relatives to keep me posted on teen and tween culture.


I read the back story. The teen medusa is a androgynous boy doll in the middle. When you said he makes the boys rock hard, I assume you are just being hairdresserish.

I thought goths were kinda sorta rebellious and anti-consumer in their own sullen way. I guess the "anti-consumer" part of teen rebellion is completely a thing of the past now.

Peteykins said...

Wait a minute... the teen Medusa is a boy? I was wondering why it was the only one not sporting "fuck me" heels.

Good lord.

samael7 said...

I read up on them as well, shocked by this gender revelation. Not only is Deuce Gorgon a boy, his girlfriend is Cleo de Nile (Teen Mummy), who dubs him the "hottest guy in Monster High."

And they're rolling out another male, Holt Hyde, whose best friend is Jackson Jekyll.

"Best friend?" Aha! Bromance, gay romance, or a sensitive, teen-angst look at Multiple Personality Disorder? I know what my money's on!

jodnus said...

They actually have a cartoon series developed based on the dolls only to promote the sale of the dolls.

Look them up on Youtube.

It really should be no surprise if you develop a heightened sense of nausea; it only serves to move you closer to the vision of a "perfect and ideal" teenage body image....

HRH King Friday XIII, Ret. said...

Two words: "plastic herpes."

Karen Zipdrive said...

I immediately spotted the one in the middle as a baby dyke, like that chick on The L Word who used to be a butch but then they glammmed her up and made her look like an idiot.

Peteykins said...

Karen, seriously, that's supposed to be a boy. A boy!

Christopher said...

If you'd like to spend some time dressing and undressing Deuce Gordon (teen Medusa, and maybe also teen gigolo?). You can do that here (because I know you want to!):

So yes Thomas Frank was right: your dissent will be commodified.