Friday, July 17, 2009

I Know, Let's Send Charles Krauthammer to the Moon

Today's dose of seriously, what the hell? comes from Charles Krauthammer in his latest Washington Post column*.

It's appears that one night, Charles was rolling along, singing a song, muttering things about Obama, and then he looked up! He looked up and saw a big orb in the sky! He consulted Conservapedia and discovered that it was "The Moon."

"Didn't we used to go there all the time?" he asked nobody in particular:

So with the Apollo moon program long gone, and with Constellation, its supposed successor, still little more than a hope, we remain in retreat from space. Astonishing. After countless millennia of gazing and dreaming, we finally got off the ground at Kitty Hawk in 1903. Within 66 years, a nanosecond in human history, we'd landed on the moon. Then five more landings, 10 more moonwalkers and, in the decades since, nothing.

The people at NASA will no doubt be surprised and embarrassed at this revelation that since they stopped making pointless repeat trips to the Moon, they've just been twiddling their thumbs, doing nothing. SHAME:

So what, you say? Don't we have problems here on Earth? Oh, please. Poverty and disease and social ills will always be with us. If we'd waited for them to be rectified before venturing out, we'd still be living in caves.

Yes. Poverty and disease and social ills will always be with us, unlike the Moon, which could vanish at any time, so we should totally get back to it.

And then the Moon looked down at Charles Krauthammer and laughed.

*Sorry, I just can't link to the Post right now.


John said...

"Hmm, what should I write about today... Oh look! There's a moon in the sky... and it's called The Moon!

"And OMG, Obama's been in office since January and we're still not there! Damn him!

"Stop laughing at us, Moon! Stop it! Where are my pills?"

Deadline met.

Matty Boy said...

66 years is a nanosecond in human history. Wow. So one second would be the equivalent of 66 billion years.

I'm used to conservative pinheads underestimating the age of the earth, but not overestimating.

Another small point that conservatives should easily grasp. The great and exciting Age of Exploration had a major theme: making money. Except for the eccentrics who thought it would be fun to go to the poles, people explored because there was an exciting cash incentive. No one has yet explained to me the exciting cash incentive on the moon.

Madduane said...


HRH King Friday XIII, Ret. said...

"unlike the Moon, which could vanish at any time, so we should totally get back to it."

HA! Princess i love you!!!

macon d said...

beer butt chicken! that's good stuff, there. unless you leave the head on like that, in which case cankerous juices leak downward and taint the meat. Especially a head as cankerous as that one.

Lulu Maude said...

A masterpiece.

zeppo said...

My god, that is one of the weirdest visuals I have ever seen. I may have nightmares about that.

Major Mel Funkshun said...

Three words for Kraut, "Hubble Freakin' Telescope". We've glommed 'billeeeuunns and billleeuuuns" more info from that piece of hardware than we ever got from manned moon missions. And if Kraut could take the time to type NASA in a browser, he might find that we're planning to go back.

parallel-botany said...

It's going to take a lot more beer cans than that to get Krauthammer to the moon.

coronaboomboom said...

We like the moon!

karen marie said...

Maybe we could take up a collection to send Krauthammer?

I'm totally broke but I'm sure I can come up with something to help the fund.

Distributorcap said...

i wish krauthammer would meet Ralph Kramden one day

to the moon, Charles