Thursday, April 23, 2009

Quickie: Best Movie Review Ever

Paul Constant at The Stranger doesn't quite know what to make of Crank 2:


Jesus fucking Christ! They just cut that clean off! Where did he just stick that shotgun? Wait, are those his testicles? Jesus! That's as close to horse porn as you're ever gonna get in an American action movie. Why is Chev Chelios whistling along with the soundtrack? What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? Every time anybody starts explaining anything, Chev Chelios starts to drop dead. Tits! Tits! Tits! Oh my God, oh my God, I think I just went blind for a second. No, wait—the screen went black. I don't even know what's going on. Gunfight! Never mind. This is clearly the most pure action movie ever. It's like if Michael Bay and John Waters had breakup sex and made a little ADD baby who hated humanity. Awesome! Awesome! Where are my wraparound mirrored sunglasses?

...I'm horny.


I usually don't approve of jokey movie reviews, but... OMGLOL.

4 comments:

Kelster93 said...

Jokey, but still entirely accurate...

Toriko said...

I have yet to see Crank 2, but I can't imagine it can triumph over the awesomeness of "Shoot 'em up" a movie in which a man delivers a baby in the middle of a gun fight and shoots the cord to cut it. A movie in which a man doesn't bother to stop screwing a lactating whore just because a big-ass gun fight erupted mid-coitus. A movie so filled with campy over-the-top violence my jaw dropped in the first 5 minutes and I was unable to pick it up off the floor until the credits had finished.

dguzman said...

WOW.

desertwind said...

Wow! Now I wanna go to a double-billl of Crank 2 and Shoot 'em Up.

Awesome.