Jesus fucking Christ! They just cut that clean off! Where did he just stick that shotgun? Wait, are those his testicles? Jesus! That's as close to horse porn as you're ever gonna get in an American action movie. Why is Chev Chelios whistling along with the soundtrack? What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? Every time anybody starts explaining anything, Chev Chelios starts to drop dead. Tits! Tits! Tits! Oh my God, oh my God, I think I just went blind for a second. No, wait—the screen went black. I don't even know what's going on. Gunfight! Never mind. This is clearly the most pure action movie ever. It's like if Michael Bay and John Waters had breakup sex and made a little ADD baby who hated humanity. Awesome! Awesome! Where are my wraparound mirrored sunglasses?
I usually don't approve of jokey movie reviews, but... OMGLOL.