Thursday, October 23, 2008

One Pork Product at a Time: Confronting My Own Elitism

I'm a little lazy and unadventurous when it comes to breakfast. I eat the same thing almost every morning, a typical East Coast Elitist meal consisting of the following:

  • Hard boiled American Bald Eagle eggs wrapped in gold leaf.

  • Hermès Birkin, over easy.

  • Ore-Ida Terror Tots.

  • Connecticut (NOT Florida) orange juice.

Today, however, I decided to see how the other half lives, and tried something indigenous to the region, something which fills many people with horror: scrapple!

Why have I never tried this populist, folksy Pennsylvania Dutch treat? Well, for one thing, the descriptions of it don't exactly inspire confidence. Furthermore, I grew up in Arizona, a state where scrapple is known only to the most esoteric Wacky Packages collectors. And, finally, it looks like a foam accoustic tiling product.

So I gathered up my courage and boldly announced to Rose, my favorite NGA cafeteria lady, "I'll have some scrapple today!" By this time she was already flipping the Birkin on the grill, so she was surprised. "I figure it can't be much different from the sausage patties," I ventured. "Oh yes it is," she grimaced, making it crystal clear which side of the fence she occupied in the great scrapple controversy.

So anyway, OK, scrapple! I got back to my desk and decided to try it before drenching it in Tabasco. Cleaving the grey/brown rectangle with my fork, I was surprised by its mushiness/fall-apartiness. Filled with trepidation, I chewed, and found that it pretty much tastes/feels like what you'd expect: fried cornbread infused with low-grade pork sausage. In other words, not bad! Not bad at all!

And then my coworkers came in, saw what I was eating, and laughed and threw all their Fabergé eggs at me, resulting in painful yet fabulous welts. And then we all burned an American flag and compared notes about registering illegal Pakistani aliens for ACORN. The end!


rptrcub said...

I eat oatmeal with bits of chopped-up Joe Sixpack and moistened with terrorist goats' milk.

I eat elitist pommes from Europe, and bananas which fund Hugo Chavez.

After that, I wash it all down with the blood of infants mixed with blended fetuses.

Major Mel Funkshun said...

My Neo-con brother once brought scrapple to our family reunion breakfast. My daughter started reading off the ingredients to the rest of the family. He ate the scrapple all by his lonesome.

drew in sf said...

Entrails-n-Grist... it is to Pennsyltucky what Spam is to Hawaii.

/Dog's tongues. Wren's livers. Jaguar's earlobes. Wolf nipple chips. Dromedary pretzels. Tuscany fried bats.

jterry said...

This is another fine example of our tax dollars hard at work. Keep it up.

puravida said...

I've always been partial to spam...Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam!

Altogether now!

"Spam, lovely Spam, wonderful Spam."

Princess Sparkle Pony said...

Major Mel, ever had a hot dog?

Carlos A Coyote said...

As they say on the Del-Mar-Va:

Everything but the squeal!

Grant said...

I havent read this blog in several months, clicked on it today and couldnt have been happier. f*cking hilarious.

Uncle Glenny said...

I *love* scrapple. Haven't had it in decades. (Maybe it's outlawed in Massachusetts?)

My father would also buy slab bacon, and fry the rinds.

Back in the Clinton administration when I cooked huge elaborate dinners for fun, I did one with a Spam theme, using spam in place of other meat in what would otherwise be pretty fancy dishes. I think there were four courses, but can't remember them other than the appetizer with spam & canteloupe. I believe the wines served were Alsatian riesling and/or gewurtztramminer.

I also did an all-purple dinner once (purple bell peppers, purple potatoes, &c.)

-- Uncle Glenny, long-haired intellectual gay east-coast elitist

Major Mel Funkshun said...

Only the kosher ones! Still bad for you!

FranIAm said...

Oh dear. You actually ate the scrapple.

Honestly, I have eaten this more times than I care to admit, although I would say I have probably not had it in at a long time. ( sounds a wee bit defensive, doesn't it?)

And nobody threw their Faberge eggs at me! I feel kind of like it wasn't worth whatever artery cloggage it gave me now.

z7q2 said...

I grew up on scrapple! It contains all four food groups. Professional scrapple consumers buy it by the loaf for custom slice depth goodness. The outside should be seared quickly on a hot griddle so that it is mottled brown and black on the edges, but tepid in the middle.

And then, you either put a sunny-side egg on top of the result and eat it off a plate, or my favorite, have a bowl of hot maple syrup on the side to dip the chunks in before you eat them, just like those dangerous little sausages you get with your Denny's Grand Slam breakfast. Yum!

zencomix said...

Goes good with a cup of Chock Full O' Nuts and Bolts.

karenzipdrive said...

Ixnay on apple-scray.

BigAssBelle said...

haha!! but you've not lived until you've breakfasted on head cheese. scrapple pales in comparison.

Jase said...

Ahhh just another day in America..