BREAKING NEWS: Detroit Mayor to Remove Piece of Jewelry

OMG, OK, are you sitting down? You know, sometimes when people are cornered, they do craaaaazy things, and this is one of those horrible times, but we're just going to have to buckle up, reapply our hoof glitter, and somehow go on. I'm deeply rattled to have to report that according to the Associated Press, the rumors are true: Kwame Kilpatrick, the Mayor of Detroit, is going to remove his earring.

There, there, it's all right. I'm here for you. I've decided to use my Photoshop skills for good rather than... well, rather than on Harriet Miers. Below, please find a simulation of Mr. Kilpatrick without his earring. Please study this picture, and try, though I know it's painful and difficult, to adjust to this frightening new reality. I sincerely hope that this will help us all get through the coming weeks: