It's Getting a Little Too "Meta" in Here

So here's some pictures of Senator Brownback (R-Kansas), since he was so annoying on Face the Nation today:

Condoleezza Hairdo Alert System

Seriously, how overdue is this? And unlike the Homeland Security system, we've seen most of these alert levels except for the top one. The mind reels at the possibility of Severe Hairdo Alert, doesn't it?

As you can see by the pink ponies, we're currently in a "Guarded Hairdo" scenario, and I'm pretty bored with Condi lately, even if Forbes decided she's the most powerful and influencial woman in the nation, which I don't buy even for a second. Most powerful and influencial marionette, maybe.

So anyway, this thrilling new feature is now permanently embedded in the right-hand margin, so you can tell at a glance how Condi's hairdo is doing (at least in public). And while I'm confident in my status as Your Leader in Condi Hairdo News™, any tips, news flashes, leaks or coiffure-related unsubstantiated rumors are always welcome.

Sparkle Pony Grooming Secrets Revealed

Two sparkley hooves up... way up! Well, you've heard me say that before, but how, exactly, are these sparkley hooves achieved? Will any kind of glitter do, or are there special equine-centric sparkleproducts? The latter, of course:

Yes, there is indeed a product called Twinkle Toes Hoof Polish. And that's not all:

Also, what could be more metaphorically rich than a glittery, patriotically-themed horse butt?

Glam up your pony today!

Huh?

One of the fun things about Sitemeter (link at the bottom of the page) is that you get a glimpse of how people find your site. It shouldn't be surprising to me to see how many hits I get from search engines, but it is kinda amazing to see just how many actually do searches for "Sparkle Pony".

What really startled me, though, was noticing that, for some reason, this site is the #1 result for an MSN Search for the term "porno pride". Um... I'm so honored!

Friday Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging

Why do they do it? I guess it's in a bus company's best interests to be distinctive, first so that they are easily identifiable for their toddler-like clients, and second... well, why? So that they look more fabulous than their competitors? Why, why, why are such Baroque excesses desireable? Are bored painters to blame? What kind of 1980s nightmare was the designer of this particular paint job trapped in?

Click the image for a huge, hi-res version.

A Big Strong Line! Hit It!

Condi and the Japanese Foreign Minister surprised reporters today by spontaneously breaking into a rousing version of "The Madison":

Reuters photo by my favorite Condiproduct™ supplier, Yuri Gripas.

A Cry for Help

This is an unaltered screenshot from cnn.com just minutes ago. I think somebody there really needs a hug:

Hey, if you worked for CNN, you'd probably feel that way, too.

Porno for Tyros

It's a little embarrassing to report that Democrats on The Hill have finally figured out a way to make gobs of money (link goes to Adult Video News, so proceed at your own risk) from online porn.

But there is good news in this for satirists: To implement a porn-tax, Congress will find itself in the awkward position (ha ha!) of having to define pornography. I absolutely cannot wait.

Simple Math

Reuters/PR Newphoto helpfully supplied this graphic to illustrate the upcoming partnership of XM Radio and Napster:

Ooh! Ooh! I totally know the answer to that one!

EDIT: OK, I made that picture at 6AM, and I now realize it's totally meaningless.

Heat Wave

It's just too hot to Photoshop today, boys and girls, so let's just have some quickies:

First of all, this unaltered AP photo is a lot funnier, and a lot weirder, than anything I could come up with :

Maylen, 18, receives communion at the Basilica of Guadalupe in Mexico City, Wednesday, July 27, 2005. Hundreds of clowns of all ages ended their annual pilgrimage to the Basilica to pay their respects to the Virgin of Guadalupe. (AP Photo/Marco Ugarte)

And next up, Condi, naturally. It was an up-do day, hairwise, and look! She got married!

Just kidding! She's actually swearing in Ronald Neumann, on the left, as the new Ambassador to Afghanistan. Imagine what adventures he'll have! That's Mr. Neumann's wife in the middle there, holding the Bible for him to swear upon. Isn't that special?

The Company You Keep

So, OK, I know --I KNOW!-- I said I wasn't going to allow any Supreme Court Nominiaganza™ in here. So, um, here's a picture of Kay Bailey Hutchison with a guy... with a guy who may or may not have been criticized in the Washington Post for having an unfashionable family... wearing a Tibetan mask:

Tragic News for Political Satirists

What a crushing blow: Rick Santorum is not running for President.

Color Me Impressed

Pony Pal™ The Invisible Kid* certainly made me regret bragging about my Photoshop skills yesterday. It seems he has some formidable magic in his fingertips, too, as this stunning tour de force asserts:

Kids, don't try this at home! Leave the photo mangling to the professionals.
*Make sure to check out TIK's dream journal.

Super-Thrilling Adventures in Diplomacy Ripped Screaming From Today's Headlines!!

In today's nerve-shattering escapade, our hero Condi and the wily Foreign Minister of Cyprus sign a Proliferation Security Initiative.

Awkward Introductions

Can you imagine? The Merry Olde Church of England has devised the ultimate practical joke to play on the clergy: You can have a same-sex partner, they tell them, but you can't have sex. Any volunteers? *snicker*

Behind the Magic

What goes into a Princess Sparkle Pony Photoshop? Is it too difficult for the pedestrian mind to grasp? Yes, I'm afraid it is. I can, however, give you a peek into the magical, glittery process.

Step One: Receive inspiration, as if from an angel whispering into your ear. Or, in this instance, from a Reuters photo of Condi:

Step Two: Isolate the element you would like to manipulate:

Step Three (not shown): Perform an extraordinarily complicated series of dazzling, experimental Photoshop techniques.

Step Four: Reveal your masterpiece:

You're welcome.

Greenspan Gets Down

Rummy

Checking In with Agape Press

I love reading Agape Press' web site. I like to imagine it's a parody and I laugh and laugh. Here's a great article about this guy who is going to break the back of the Harry Potter craze with a series of Biblical comic books. Oh, I can imagine some really wholesome titles:

And here's an article about some fundies who freaked out when they discovered loads --just scads-- of "vile and objectionable" literature in the Arkansas public school libraries. Imagine the horror to find all that trash like Toni Morrison, porno by the likes of Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Laura Esquivel, and, OMG, Snow Falling on Cedars, right there where high school students could reach them! And Forever by Judy Blume! AIEEEEEE! Their horror show of a site listing the offenses is here.

Condoleezza Photo Funnies

For the zillionth time, it's always fun to see the wire photographers struggle to come up with new ways to make pictures of Condoleezza interesting. After all, the world craves a constant stream of relentlessly updated Condiproduct™. This morning in the Palestinian Authority headquarters in Ramallah, Reuters' Laszlo Balogh and Oleg Popov and AP's Nasser Nasser had so much fun! Let's see if we can figure out what's going on here from these unaltered, uncropped photos:

OK, so here's Condi (it's an updo day) adjusting her headphones. She appears to be standing outdoors in front of some ancient, picturesque building. But wait a minute...

The setting is peculiar, isn't it? How is the perspective changing so radically, so quickly? Is Condi being wheeled by on a dolly? And, um... wouldn't it actually be strange for her to be speaking right out in public in a dangerous place, with her back to an oddly deserted scene?

Something's off... I just can't put my finger on it...

OK, I think I know what's going on...

It's a painting! You tricky devils!

There's a Tom DeLay Joke in Here Somewhere

See the unaltered picture of the swanky robobus by Texas Yankee here.

Random Condishop™

Product Round-Up

I refined the selections in my Cafe Press shops. First of all, the "Never Mind Andrew Sullivan" design went over like a lead balloon, not surprisingly, so all that stuff has been changed to just the Sex Pistols-style logo, which looks especially good on the coffee mugs:

The "Travelers' Helper" buttons were refined, and now they are truly the useful products I intended them to be. I recently showed these to a coworker about to go overseas, and first she laughed, but then she said, "Hmmmm..."

And fear not... yes, "I Rode the Pink Pony" thongs, featuring the Princess' glamourous self portrait, are still available:

All of the above designs are available as mugs, t-shirts, aprons (for some reason), notebooks and mousepads, too. But not oven mitts. Or, alas, snowglobes. Click on the images to visit the corresponding shop.

It's Bushmiller Time

Click the image for a pointlessly larger version.

Friday Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging

Never mind that you are always supposed to portray the Union (the blue field with white stars) in the upper left. Click the image for an 800 x 600 copy.

It's the New Thing

Clearly, Finbarr O'Reilly (see post below) has started a hot new trend of shooting just the upper half of public figures' heads, as can be seen in this shot of Alan Greenspan by Reuter's overworked Larry Downing, also from yesterday:

And again I feel the need to say that this has become one of my favorite things to spot: News photographers on the wonk beat, desperate to create interesting pictures, resort to extreme measures to add sparks to their inherently dull subjects.

Lost in Translation

This is my favorite wire service photo of Condi in weeks:

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice listens to a translation using headphones during a visit to the closing ceremony of an international trade conference in Senegal's capital Dakar July 20, 2005. REUTERS/Finbarr O'Reilly

And, of course, O'Reilly finds himself facing the question so many Condi snappers must answer: What's more interesting, Condi or a blank wall?

Support Our Troops Ribbon Haiku

A lot of the kids are having fun making these, but I thought I'd try something different:

The Haiku comes from Wikipedia. Translation: An old pond/A frog jumps in/The sound of water. Oops! I said I wasn't going to write about Karl Rove anymore.

My Pledge to You

OK, other than the above, I'm officially banning John Roberts and the Plamestravaganza™ from these pages.* Other blogs are just... um... rocking those stories so hard... that I'm just going to leave them to it. There are plenty of other things to write about. Why, Condi's hair has been known to sustain this blog for days on end all by itself!

That said, I'm thrilled that HighVizPR roverdosed.

*Of course, I have to immediately qualify this pledge: I'll make fun of Karl Rove for doing stupid or evil things other than anything involving Plame. And if John Roberts ends up photographed in a love nest with John Leguizamo, well, that's fair game, too.

Bad News

Just a quickie: Why did anybody believe Bush when he said he'd pick a consensus candidate? What a bold move, to select a white, ultra-conservative, anti-choice, pro-business, male, a man who is, for all intents and purposes, Rick Santorum!

I always picture Bush walking around with a perpetual thought balloon which reads "I'll show them!"

The only kinda funny thing about it is that all the Christian fundamentalists will have to grit their teeth and pretend to be thrilled --thrilled!-- at the nomination of a Papist Catholic.

UPDATE: I'm a little calmer today. He doesn't really seem that horrible. Granted, I wouldn't pick him. Plus, he really does look like a Ken doll.

Today in Condi Non-News

Take a look at this ridiculous article by Associated Press writer Anne Gearan, titled "Some in GOP Hope Rice Runs for President."

Notice anything? A complete lack of important names, perhaps? Who are these Republicans hoping for a Condi run? Well, Gearan sites a Poly-Sci professor from... um... Iowa, and a blogger named Paul, although the author doesn't feel any need to name the blog specifically, and a single web site, americansforrice.com, and... well, that's all.

And, in fact, two of the only attributed quotes in the article come from Condi herself: "No, I will not run for President of the United States," and "I don't want to run for anything. I really don't."

And here's another one, from professor Jack Pitney at the prestigious and influencial (that's sarcasm) Clairmont McKenna College: "She's still a long shot. We can all take this buzz a lot more seriously when she starts saying nice things about ethanol." Professor Pitney! Restrain yourself!

Hmmm... none of this really sounds like clamouring, does it? Slow news day, Anne?

On the other hand, take a look at that web site posted above... they offer Condi gear! Somebody please buy me this hat:

And Now For Something Completely Different

Seems all I've been talking about lately (other than Condi, of course) is sticks of butter, hairdressers, and language viruses, so shall we change up a little?

Here's a great article about an amazing cache of photos just discovered in the Smithsonian's closet: An extravaganza of pics of the famous Monkey Trial. This one is of one of my all-time heroes, brave science teacher John T. Scopes:

Roverdose Redux

Super helpful Pony Pal™ Cranberry Zero has thoughtfully provided all of us with a great "Roverdose" logo. Spread the cheer! Thanks, CBZ!

Ride the Pink Pony!

By popular demand, Sparkle Pony Self Portrait merchandise:

Click on the image to visit the shop at Cafe Press. And, yes, aprons are available. And for the record, that's a "conceptual" self portrait... that's not really my face, I'm relieved to say.

Massive, throbbing props to John at By the Bayou for the slogan!

Attempted Language Virus

I'm thrilled to say that Garrett at Fishbowl DC picked up on my new term, Roverdose, to describe the too-too-too-muchness of all the Karl Rove junk swirling around the internets. He's been doing an excellent job lately describing the madness of the White House press gaggle, doing actual reporting rather than just ranting and raving indiscriminately. Cheers to you, Garrett!

Let's see if the term catches on! Use it in a sentence today!

The Bad Seed Revisited

Pony Pal™ Uncle Splatty has managed to combine so many Sparkle Pony-centric concepts in this disturbing image that it almost made me dizzy:

Condoleezza as Patty McCormack in The Bad Seed has been seen previously here, but I love the Nauga t-shirt. Plus, those sticks of butter are approximately the same size and weight as a baby panda! Yay!

Travellers' Helpers

Here's the second design for official Sparkle Pony merchandise. And these items are useful! Click the image to visit the shop:

Sparkle Pony Merchandise Now Available!

Here's the first design... stylish yet inscrutable to many, I'm sure. I'm also sure this one won't appeal to everybody, but that's just too bad, OK? Please note that I haven't marked up any of the merchandise, so your purchase doesn't support this site, because... well, because I already have a job. Click on the image to buy t-shirts, coffee mugs, throw pillows (why not), and, yes, thongs. I'll have a second design up tonight, and I've got at least one more planned, so stay tuned!

EDIT: Anybody interested in a "Never Mind Jeff Gannon" variation? Also... yes, I know almost nobody will "get" this design.

Whoops!

Some of you may have seen a post this morning, now deleted, saying that Sparkle Pony merchandise is now available. Well... it'll be available later today, OK? I've decided to change the file format of the artwork to ensure better quality. I should have it posted by 5:30 EST. Thank you, come again!

EDIT: I'm pleased to report that the Guerilla News Network, whatever that is, divulged today that the new Panda baby at the National Zoo is about the size of a stick of butter.

Roverdose

I've already mentioned that the blogosphere is going WAY overboard on the Rove speculation, which has progressed far beyond a fever pitch. That said, John Podesta, former Chief of Staff for Clinton, was excellent on Meet the Press yesterday, and Kenny Mehlman was... not. Read more, including a full transcript, here.